Sometimes I’m My Own Worst Enemy

I really want to be a happy-go-lucky,  perky, nothing- gets-me-down person. I am actively trying to teach myself to be one.  I think that I may even come across as being that way to people sometimes. Occasionally, I even feel like that sometimes, briefly. I figure that if I fake it til I make it, then that means that I’m going to make it, right? At least that’s my hope.

But the truth is that I mostly feel sad, depressed, and lonely. I feel inadequate and question myself all the time. I question why I am seeking more responsibility when I feel like I may not even be handling the responsibility that I already have.

Again, I keep thinking that I can fake it til I make it. So, basically, I am trying to teach myself by making myself do things that I feel inadequate at. I’m learning to handle new and more responsibilities by making myself take them on. Being my own teacher is hard!!

I see myself as more of a realistic/bordering on pessimistic person. I do not want to be pessimistic or negative. People who are negative and pessimistic irk me and wear on my nerves! I am well aware that people who are a lot like me tend to annoy me. This makes me think that  I probably am pessimistic and negative, as well as annoying!

I feel like my own worst enemy.

I overthink everything. I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to drive myself insane! If I’m going to be driven insane, I’d prefer to let someone else do it. (Just a joke there.) I feel bad about every time that I have done or said the wrong thing. I do my best to make the right choices and to treat others as I would want to be treated or for my loved ones to be treated. I question myself and wonder why I do things sometimes. Am I really a good person, even? I so desperately want to be a good person.

I have decided that the only way that I can put these thoughts out of my head is to put new, better thoughts into my head. I am fortunate in that I like to try new things and learn new things. This has been what saves me from my own thoughts. That is why I continue to force myself to seek out new, interesting things to do and learn.

I am my own worst enemy, but I’m trying to change to my own best friend.








Open Shelves in Decor

I’m crazy about open shelves. Like built ins, they add so much character to a room. What is displayed on the shelves sets a mood and can say so much about a person.

When I think of open shelves, I first think of kitchen shelves, although they can actually be used in any room of the house. After all, they are just shelves, but with no doors to hide what is on them.

The catch is that they are not attractive unless they are kept neat. I’ll have to admit that is an issue for me. I’m thinking that I could only handle keeping a few shelves neat enough to have them open.





And this last one is my favorite! I love the way the shelves are arranged. It looks like it would be so easy to just reach up and grab what I needed off each one.

So pretty!


I’ll definitely be incorporating a few open shelves into my kitchen. I’m thinking that I may actually end up needing a few new  dishes to display on them. Either way, I plan to mainly use them for my most often used and prettiest items.


The Comfort of Routines

The word routine has a bad reputation. It implies boring and old. But routines are a good thing. In fact, they are a great thing.


Good routines are comforting in the same way that some foods are comforting. Routines help us to do things without having to put much thought into them. They make our lives easier.

Say that you got up for work in the morning and did not have a morning or evening routine. You would probably not have set your alarm, so you could be late for whatever you had planned for the day. You may not have any clean clothes because you may not have thought about this before hand. You may not know where your shoes are because you didn’t put them in a certain spot. You most likely would end up spending  a lot of time looking for something clean to wear and some shoes.

So, basically,  having a routine just means that someone has done a certain thing or set of things over and over basically the same way until it has become a habit. Just those few examples demonstrate how not having a routine can set you up for disaster.

One thing that I’ve found in life is that it’s pretty easy to start a new habit by doing something for a few days or weeks. Likewise, it’s also very easy to stop a habit (even a good habit) by getting out of your routine for a few days or weeks.

I once had a patient who (in my opinion) went a little overboard with his routines. He had his whole LIFE down to a schedule of routines.

This man was older, in his 80s, I believe. I was working in home health at the time. I or another nurse would go to his home to visit him a couple of times a week.

This man had his life down to a science. He was not in any way flexible. I figured this out when I called the first time to schedule a visit to his home and spoke with his daughter. I asked if I could go at a certain time and she said that her dad would be eating lunch at that time. So I said, fine, and asked her what time would be good for me to make a visit.

We worked out a time and I went to see her dad later that day, after lunch. Her dad was waiting for me in the living room. I did my assessment and vital signs, talked to him, did the rest of my job and left.

The next time that I called to make a visit (later that week), the exact same scenario played out.

Part of my job was to ask him about his meals, his bowels, urinating, medications, sleeping, etc. This man was very interesting; much more so than the average home health patient.

I found out that he got up at the same exact time every day. He had the same exact food for breakfast at the same exact time every day. He smoked one cigarette every hour on the hour. He watched the same tv shows at the same time every day. He had the same food for lunch at the same time every day. He took a nap at the same time every day, for the same length of time.

I don’t mean that he did almost the same things at approximately the same time every day. I mean he did all of the exact same things at exactly the same time in exactly the same way every day. He was extreme.

I guess that this extreme structure worked for him. Of course, most people are not that unwavering in their routines. I guess that, for whatever reason,  he found comfort in having this amount of structure.

I recently read that the reason that autistic people like/need  routine is that they aren’t able to predict the future. I really know very little about autism, but I do know that many autistic people do have many routines and can actually get very upset if their routines aren’t followed.

For someone who isn’t able to predict the future, it makes sense that a routine would be of utmost importance to them. It would give a sense of security because they would not have the uncertainty of what was going to happen to them next.

Of course, none of us can predict the future, but most of us can reasonably plan our days and have a good idea of how our days will unfold. This does require having a routine to a certain extent, though. Our days do usually involve planning in order to flow well.

Children also need routines in their lives. They need the security of knowing that someone is going to be taking care of their needs; feeding them regularly,  bathing them, putting them to bed, etc. . Having security enables them to go about the business of being children and doing  all that being a child entails.

As an adult, having a routine helps me, especially since I am not blessed with organizational skills. Following my bedtime and morning routines helps me to have more brain energy to put into other things. And I can definitely use all of the extra brain energy that I can get.

Having an end of day routine helps me to relax and start winding down towards bedtime. Coming home from work, I take my shoes off at the door and put my slippers on. I put my purse and other belongings in my bedroom. I change into my comfy clothes; I have my comfy clothes in a certain drawer.  Then I do whatever it is that I need to do.

I have my routines and they may be different in ways from your routines. But I would guess that they are probably fairly similar in ways.

Here’s to routines!

Great Ideas Come at Night

Sometimes, right before I fall asleep, I get a few crazy thoughts. We’ll call them great ideas. Because that’s what they seem like at the time.

“Tomorrow when I get up, the first thing I’m going to do is make banana bread with those black bananas.” (I usually just end up throwing them away.)

“I’m going to set my alarm for 5 a.m. so that I can get up and go for a walk (sure, we’ll go ahead and call it a run) before it gets hot. (This has never actually happened.)

“I need a fan next to the bed because God is trying to kill me with hot flashes. I’m going to get a fan with a remote control so that I can turn it off and on during the night.”

“I’m going to start a blog! I don’t know how or what about, but I’m going to do it! I’ll google ‘How to start a blog’ first thing in the morning.”

Sometimes my late night (8 pm) ideas still seem like good ideas the next day, when I’m fully awake. And sometimes I follow through with a few of these ideas.

For instance, I did get a fan with a remote to put by my bed. Hot flashes are no joke and call for serious interventions to keep a person from losing their sanity.

I went to Walmart and bought myself a 3 foot tall oscillating fan with a remote control. The fan stand had a nifty holder for the remote. At night I would take the remote out of the holder and put it  on the night stand next to my bed.

I can seriously say that I loved that remote. Whenever I  would get hot at night, I could (usually) keep my eyes closed and reach over to my night stand and find the remote. I would turn the fan on and be in heaven until I got cold. Then I would turn it off again until I got hot again.

Unfortunately, my grandson loves remotes.  My dearly loved remote soon disappeared for several weeks. We looked and looked for it and eventually found it one day in my husband’s sock drawer. For awhile, I was in fan remote control bliss again. Then it disappeared again.

Mr. Remote Thief would not admit to having taken it, let alone tell us where it was. It has been several months, and it is still missing. Thank goodness that my hot flashes have gotten much less frequent and I don’t really “need” a remote control fan like I did before.

My idea about writing a blog has come to me several times over the years. Recently (last week) I googled ‘How to start a blog’ and found a very detailed post on a blog (I love blogs!) on how to start a blog (imagine that!).

Late one night, at the advice of the ‘How to start a blog’, I decided to spend a couple hundred dollars on a website for my blog, instead of using a free website (honestly, I don’t know if I’m using the correct terminology for all of this).  And now  here I am finishing up (very tediously and by doing it all the wrong way  and re-doing it) working on my website and first blog.

Spending money for this is putting  a little pressure on me to do something with it. On the other hand, even if I fail miserably, a couple hundred dollars for a years worth of entertaining myself seems pretty inexpensive.

How can you argue with logic like that ?