I really want to be a happy-go-lucky, perky, nothing- gets-me-down person. I am actively trying to teach myself to be one. I think that I may even come across as being that way to people sometimes. Occasionally, I even feel like that sometimes, briefly. I figure that if I fake it til I make it, then that means that I’m going to make it, right? At least that’s my hope.
But the truth is that I mostly feel sad, depressed, and lonely. I feel inadequate and question myself all the time. I question why I am seeking more responsibility when I feel like I may not even be handling the responsibility that I already have.
Again, I keep thinking that I can fake it til I make it. So, basically, I am trying to teach myself by making myself do things that I feel inadequate at. I’m learning to handle new and more responsibilities by making myself take them on. Being my own teacher is hard!!
I see myself as more of a realistic/bordering on pessimistic person. I do not want to be pessimistic or negative. People who are negative and pessimistic irk me and wear on my nerves! I am well aware that people who are a lot like me tend to annoy me. This makes me think that I probably am pessimistic and negative, as well as annoying!
I feel like my own worst enemy.
I overthink everything. I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to drive myself insane! If I’m going to be driven insane, I’d prefer to let someone else do it. (Just a joke there.) I feel bad about every time that I have done or said the wrong thing. I do my best to make the right choices and to treat others as I would want to be treated or for my loved ones to be treated. I question myself and wonder why I do things sometimes. Am I really a good person, even? I so desperately want to be a good person.
I have decided that the only way that I can put these thoughts out of my head is to put new, better thoughts into my head. I am fortunate in that I like to try new things and learn new things. This has been what saves me from my own thoughts. That is why I continue to force myself to seek out new, interesting things to do and learn.
I am my own worst enemy, but I’m trying to change to my own best friend.